And The Emptiness, It Consumes
by Clearhearts
Summary: Some days, he feels hollow, empty. Other days he feels like they'll be okay. Most days it just feels like too much. That's how he loves her though. So so so much.- My take on how 4x04's Finchel sl could/should go down. Possible spoilers.


_Hello all. I'm back and in an angsty mood so if you're in the mood for fluff, I am so not the person whose stories you should be reading. _

_I wrote this one-shot before ep 3 aired and now that it has, I really don't know what to do or feel._

_Now that I've watched it, I feel sick and angry and just so freaking heartbroken. I want to delete this and just scream but I put effort into it and I don't want to waste it. Also, I really hope their break up goes like this because this for me is the only way I see anything being redeemed._

_So here I present to you how I want that inevitable 4x04 breakup to go down because anything else would hurt too much._

_I hope it's up to standard._

_ps: Song lyrics used are from "Empty" by The Click Five and "The Scientist" by Coldplay_

* * *

_Maybe we're trying_

_Trying too hard_

_Maybe we're torn apart_

_Maybe the timing_

_Is beating our hearts_

_We're empty_

* * *

He can't quite remember how he got back here. He remembers getting the room as backup in case Rachel kicked him out or didn't want to see him. He remembers trying to sneak out after their fight and being caught by Kurt. He remembers being in this room and getting that call from her. Her voice so _broken_, it brought him to his knees. She didn't even say much just a series of _'Pleases'_ and _'Finns'_ and _'Don'ts'_. It was enough to get him moving as quick as he could to her. He never really wanted to leave her bed or the loft anyway. He just thought she wanted the space till whatever went down with them blew over. He couldn't leave her. Not yet. _Not ever_. She knew that right?

He remembers meeting her in her loft knowing she was alone because Blaine had called asking if he could crash with him till he had to leave for Ohio and Rachel told him Kurt left for work early before she got up. He knew though. His brother called him shortly after he left telling him that he didn't know where he and Blaine stood at the moment but he needed space. Still, he didn't want the love of his life to be on the street and.. Finn was already suggesting the hotel before Kurt dissolved into tears. Then he just waited on the line till Kurt was ready to hang up. He knew the feeling of not wanting to let go of the best thing you've ever had. Will ever have. His heart hurt for his brother and his friend too and God he hoped they'd be okay before Blaine had to go. What was with the universe and its hell-bent desire of messing with Kurt and himself? Why? Just, gosh.

He doesn't remember much else.

Well, that's a lie. He does. He just doesn't remember how he managed to find the strength to walk back to the hotel before collapsing on the ground. Which is where he is right now. Lying on the carpet, staring at the ceiling. His tear ducts empty. He can't cry anymore. He's literally all cried out.

He doesn't understand how they got here so fast. He gets the circumstances, the actions or inaction on both their parts. He gets all that. He just... he never thought it'd end so quickly.

Has it? Ended? Is that what they are? Over?

She was everything to him and from what she said he was everything to her too and they were this perfect thing in each other's life. Now, they're broken.

He just wants a do-over. He wants them to have that happily after.

Is that what this is?

A fresh start?

* * *

Its hours before he starts moving again. Mainly because Blaine comes in and lets out a little yelp thinking he's passed out or something. He must have fallen asleep staring at the ceiling because he doesn't really snap out of his daze till Blaine starts shaking him in fear. It's ironic that the thing that jolts him out of his daze is Blaine's panicked voice asking if he should call Rachel. Her name. _Her_. It's what wakes him up. He tells Blaine he's fine and that he shouldn't call Rachel. He can't. He just can't.

Blaine doesn't quite believe him and makes a comment about his eyes being open and starts this whole rant but Finn shoots him a look and it's like Blaine recognizes something in his face because he drops the subject and focuses on helping Finn get up before leaving to go to the bathroom.

Finn's fine. He is. He just dozed off. With his eyes open. Blaine is facing his own pain (he knows heartbreak when he sees it) and Finn doesn't want to have to add worrying about him to that list.

Falling asleep with his eyes open though, that's a new one. Maybe he wasn't asleep. Maybe he was just, gone for a bit. Can heartache do that? Send you into a state of semi-consciousness? He thinks heartache caused by a tiny brunette can. Add that to knowing she's feeling the same heartache because of him and you've got one completely drained and zombified Finn Hudson.

Zombies are empty right? Sorta? That's how he feels though. Hollow, _empty_.

It's like the fight has finally been beaten out of him. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Even with this outcome, he was supposed to be strong. Deal with it.

Except he can't and he doesn't think she can either.

* * *

It's only when he and Blaine are sitting on the train heading back to Ohio that he lets himself remember_. Really_ remember.

It's probably the memory of putting her on a train that forces him to confront what happened in New York. Why he's heading back instead of staying with her. Why she isn't there to see him off. Why they're over.

His sacrifice reminds him too much of hers.

Both their sacrifices all for each other.

Are things really supposed to be this difficult? Hurt so much?

* * *

He knocks on the giant sliding door of the loft and it feels like its two days ago all over again. He's nervous, sweating bullets. Just worried. His life is behind this door and what if she refuses him you know? He's thinking so hard, it takes him a second to realise she's opened it. She's standing there looking up at him with blood-shot eyes and damn him, he did it again.

He made her cry. His knees almost buckle at the thought of how many nights she must have spent crying over him. He knows he spent most of their time apart crying over her. Crying till one day he just stopped and all he felt was pain. Kinda like right now. Everything about this hurts so he does the first thing he thinks of, he pulls her into his arms and holds her tight.

She holds him back in one of her 'Rachel Berry' hugs. The tight ones that come as a shock given her tiny frame but the ones that always made him feel safe. Its funny isn't it? He's so much bigger than her but her tiny body gives him solace he knows he'll never find elsewhere.

God he hopes she feels the same about him and his hugs.

He's whispering his apologies and she is too and it's just a whole bunch of "sorrys" mixed with "I was wrong/No, I was" and then she looks up and starts to wipe the tears that he didn't even know he was crying from his face and whispers she loves him. He says it back immediately and holds her hand close to his cheek.

They've said it so many times over the course of their relationship. Playful ones, serious ones, heart-breaking ones. This one feels like a promise wrapped in a goodbye but he's trying so hard not to think about that.

They move to the sofa and just sit there holding each other for a while.

If he could stay like that forever he would but Rachel pulls back and suggests they take a walk through the park. He's only seen the loft and his hotel in this area and she wants to show him around more. He doesn't want to leave. It's like he knows if he leaves this loft he isn't coming back. From the look on her face, it's like she knows too but he loves her too much to deny that request so he takes her hand and they walk out of the loft and the building together.

* * *

He missed this you know? Holding her hand, listening to her rattle on about anything and everything. Actually listening too because she's interesting and she makes an effort to not hit him with it all at once and it's just great. Talking, god, he's missed talking to her. Or listening. He's just missed _everything_.

They come up to a secluded area of the park, the safe kind not the time to take your baby and run kind and decide to rest. She leans on his shoulder and he can just feel the end coming. It's imminent. She'll tell him what they had was a high school love and they've outgrown it. It sure felt like that yesterday. Oh God, he can't breathe.

She breaks the silence. She can sense it can't she? That fear? She's looking at him the way she always used to when she knew something was up. Who is he kidding? Of course she knows, she knows him. _Always _has.

**"Finn"**, she starts.

**"Rach"**, he replies. His voice breaking a little.

Her eyes are welling up and he's trying his best not to break down. He knows she's trying so hard to be strong from the way her body is all tensed to the way she raises her chin a little as if commanding those tears not to fall. So he decides to do it for her. _Anything_ to spare her the pain.

**"It's over isn't it?",** he whispers, looking away. Anywhere but her face.

**"No",** she states firmly, pulling his chin towards her so he's forced to look at her. She runs her fingers across his face smoothing out the frown lines that come with his confusion. Her touch feels like _heaven_.

**"Is it ever over between us Finn?"** she asks, her voice hoarse with tears she's refusing to cry.

**"Who are we kidding here right? I love you too much to let you go and ..."**

**"And I love you Rachel. So so so much."**, he interrupts. He doesn't mean to. She just has to know that. That his love for her has _never _faltered.

**"I know baby. That's the problem…"** she whispers.

He wasn't expecting _that._

** "You put me on a train Finn..."**

**"Rachel, I told you..."**

**"Let me finish. You put me on a train and I was so mad at you. So hurt. I didn't understand.",** she says and she's closer now. Her sweet breath fanning over his face. It's intoxicating in the best way possible.

**"Rach…"**

**"Then I did. You chose me. You always choose me.",** she says stroking his face with her palm.

**"You put me before you, before us, before everything you ever wanted. You gave me up so I could have everything else. What you never seemed to realise was everything else included you and damnit Finn, I would have waited".**

**"No, you wouldn't have."**, he whispers.

**"What?"**

**"You would have ended up resenting me Rach, I couldn't take that. I couldn't keep you from your destiny and I couldn't stand the thought that if you stayed, you'd come to hate me for it.."**

**"Oh Finn, I could never hate you.",** she murmurs leaning forward to rest her forehead against his.

"**You would have though. You know it. Maybe not intentionally and it would have happened and baby it would have wrecked us way worse", **he says his voice hoarse. He pulls her closer towards him. Holding her in a tight hug, their foreheads touching, so close but yet so far. Still he's happy she's not pulling away. He's hopeful because maybe it means today doesn't have to end in broken hearts and broken promises.

**"Worse than we are now?",** she says looking at him from under her eyelashes.

**"To be honest Rach, I don't even know what we are now. I don't even know where I stand now. Where I belong. All I know is that you're it for me and..."**

**"That is exactly why I have to let you go",** she whispers. Her voice cracks on the last word and it's like the sound of his heart breaking even more. He didn't think that was even possible at this point.

**"What?",** he says pulling back to look at her.

**"You did the selfless thing. You put me, my dream, all this before what you wanted and needed. Finn, I love you so so so much.",** she grabs his shoulders looking at him right in the eyes, her eyes begging him to understand but he doesn't want to.

**"You're my soulmate and God it's gonna be so hard to be without you. Finn, it's already so hard but we can't do this. I need to do the selfless thing this time. I need to put you first, Finn. The way you put me first. I'm choosing you and your dream. You need to find it and it's clear you need to do it on your own. The same way I need to be here on my own but... I... Oh my God, I can't.."**

She's struggling to breathe, he knows the feeling, it's what is happening to him too. He has the strongest urge to just take all of her into his arms and hold her and whisper words of love to her and tell her all this is going to be okay but he can't. He _can't _move. He knows this scene. They've been here before. He just never thought they'd have to _relive_ it. He was hoping against hope that it didn't have to play out the same way again.

It's like that time in the car all over again. Only this time she's the one trying to be strong and trying to do the right thing and he's the one that doesn't want to go.

**"Rachel... are you..."**

**"I'm setting you free Finn. I'm choosing you just like you chose me.",** she says, her hands shaking.

Those words cut right through him. Is this the universe's reward for him setting her free? Her telling him the same thing? Using his words? He can't, he doesn't want to be set free.

**"No.. I don't, I.."**

"**You know I'm right Finn. Just like you knew you were."**

**"No! I was wrong. I... I don't want to be without you Rach.. I"**

**"Finn, baby...We… we can't do this."**

**"Ever? Rachel, if I leave we might… what if we never…",** he can't even finish that sentence because the thought that all of this, all this love would just walk right out of his life is too painful.

**"You said surrender right?"**

**"I…"**

**"You said if we're meant to be together, we'll be together. Do you still believe that?"**

**"I..."**

**"You have to Finn because I believe that. I believe in us, Finn, I believe we'll get our forever. I just think too many odds are against us and right now, we…"**

**"We can't live out our happy ending.",** he finally says. Words coming back to him now.

**"Yes"**

**"So what now? We let go, go be free. Do everything else and pray that we come back together some day?"**

**"I don't know. What was your plan when you made me leave?"**

**"I didn't really have one. I just knew you deserved better than Lima. Than me. You deserved it all Rachel and you weren't going to get it if you stayed."**

**"When are you going to get it?"**

**"What?"**

**"Seriously Finn! Do you know who deserves better? YOU. You deserve better. You are better Finn. I don't deserve better than you. You're it. You however, you deserve better than what you give yourself. You deserve more than Lima, you deserve everything. The same way you believe everyone else does. We were all meant for more than a small town."**

**"Rachel…"**

**"No, Finn. I believe in you and I believe in your dreams whatever they may be. I know you're not exactly sure yet and you know what? It doesn't matter. We're all different. We all deal with things differently. "**

**"I tried Rach, maybe... maybe we're not all meant to make it."**

She hits his shoulder really hard and _seriously _how does one tiny person pack such a punch?

**"I would accept that Finn if I thought for even a second you believed that. You're better than that and you're not scared anymore so I don't get why you want to give up again.",** she's on her feet now. Getting all into her trademark Rachel Berry passionate outburst.

Despite the circumstances, he can't help but smile.

**"I know you. I know you've been kicked down more times than you'd like but baby you were meant to take on the world. Did you forget what you said to me Finn? Right after my NYADA audition? It's _never_ too late. The world is waiting and we have just go to go out there and earn our new shots and try and try and try until we make it and even then we'll have to try again. YOU told me that, Finn. You believed in me no matter what, it's time to believe in you. Not just for me but for you."**

She's right. He _knows_ she is, he just wishes for once it didn't have to be this _hard_. He wishes he'd get the dream and the girl and not have to give up both in pursuit of a path he wasn't even sure about. He's scared and worried and it's not so much going after his future that scares him. It's that he's back to square one and he's lost all over again. Not to mention, he's lost everything. He picked a direction and he picked her and well, it didn't work out did it. So really, now what?

He doesn't know. She's standing there staring at him and for a moment he's just lost in everything _Rachel_. He's mesmerized by her hair blowing in the wind, by her beautiful face, by her smoking body and most of all by the way her heart is just shining through it all. He thinks about their first shot at their wedding, about the way she walked to him and took his breath away. He thinks about that a lot. Their wedding. Being married to her. It would have been one of the _best_ things in his life. He gets that this isn't goodbye but it will be for a while and he figures he should make good on at least one promise.

He's been silent for quite a while now but she doesn't push. She knows how he thinks.

**"How bout that dance Ms. Berry?",** he says, standing up.

**"Finn?"**

**"I told you that I was practicing. Remember? I wanted to make sure I did more than sway at our wed-.. ",** he says taking in a sharp breath. He can't say the word so he focuses on what he can say.

**"Now, I can't do the waltz or the tango like any of those fancy pants co-stars at your school but I can most definitely do more than sway. Plus you've always been my favourite dance partner. My favourite everything. So what do you say Rach? Will you dance with me?"**

**"But there's no music"**, she whispers, reaching forward to take his hand. He pulls her close to him and just breathes her in.

**"Never stopped us before baby",** he replies.

* * *

They do end up just swaying. Mainly because they're holding each other so tight it makes other moves impossible. Almost _too _tight but Finn doesn't care because right now her arms feel like the safest place in the world and from the way she's clinging to him, it's pretty clear she feels the same. It's like they're both afraid to let go because they know when they do, they'll fall apart.

He doesn't want it to end yet so he starts humming. Softly at first, then louder. Then he starts singing the lyrics that he knows she'll sing with him. It's the song of their hearts isn't it? He is forever hers and she forever his.

His voice cracks on the last line of his verse due to the tears that are now streaming down his face. Rachel doesn't even miss a beat or chastises him, she just picks up on her verse and there they are. Two lovers standing in the middle of a park swaying to their duet of "Faithfully", crying their eyes out. There they are singing about rediscovery and falling in love all over again.

It feels like a _promise_. Maybe their forever isn't now but maybe they'll get it _someday_.

The song ends so much faster than either of them want it to and they continue to stand there for a while longer just breathing each other in before finally, Rachel pulls away. She stares at him for a moment, running her fingers across his face as if trying to commit everything she can to memory one last time before stepping forward again and kissing him.

The kiss escalates and they lose themselves in that final moment. Forgetting the world, forgetting the circumstances. They're just Finn and Rachel again. _Soulmates_.

**"You find your dream Finn Hudson and then you come back to me. Or you tell me where you are and I'll come find you. Okay?"** she whispers against his lips when they finally break for air.

**"Okay. You go conquer New York Rachel Berry. You go show them how you're something so special okay?",** he whispers back.

**"Promise.",** she replies.

**"I love you Rach."**

**"I love you Finn."**

They're silent for a moment, waiting for the other to make a move. Maybe if they don't say anything, they'll wake up and this would have all been a dream?

A car honk brings him back to reality. No such luck Finn Hudson.

**"Now you have to leave Rach",** he says. He hates the fact that he's telling her to go but he _can't_ be the one to walk away this time. He can't turn away from her. He knows he's asking a lot. Maybe even _too much_ but she's always been the stronger one out of the both of them and right now he knows, he's too weak to walk away from her.

**"I... can't Finn".**

**"Please Rachel. I can... I can watch you walk away because I know it's what is best. I can force myself to stay rooted in my spot and let you go but I... I'm not strong enough to walk away from you Rachel. I … baby please..."**

He can't say anymore. It feels like one of those "you hang up/no you hang up" moments only the stakes are _higher_ and the pain so so so much _worse_.

She looks up at him, tears streaming down her face and jumps into his arms hugging him close to her before letting go and backing away.

**"You'll text me when you're leaving right? And when you get back home? So I know you're safe? Right? Please?"**

**"I will. Text me when you make it back home?"** he whispers.

She nods and looks at him one final time before turning around and running down the way they came.

He watches her retreating figure till his vision blurs from the tears that are still falling. He watches it till he knows she's almost home.

* * *

He found himself staring at the ceiling in his hotel room a little later. He wasn't kidding when he said he didn't know how he made it back without collapsing.

He _still_ doesn't.

He knows she made it back safe. She sent him a text with the words **"Back. Safe. *"** half an hour after he watched her leave. He didn't reply though. He knows she wasn't expecting him to anyway.

He did text her when he and Blaine were leaving. A few words too. She didn't reply and he wasn't expecting her to.

It's crazy how even in this limbo that has become their relationship, they still follow the rules they seem to have set for each other.

If it was the right thing, why does it hurt this much? He wasn't expecting love to be easy but goodness does everything have to be _this hard?_

* * *

He's jolted back to the present by the train lurching forward once more. They're halfway back home. Accept is it really home anymore? He feels like home is in New York. Not just because Rachel is there but because that was his plan and now he's starting all over again. He's staring at the back of Blaine's head (the boy is sitting infront of him) as he leans against the window and he doesn't have to see his face or speak to him to know that the kid is feeling the same loss he is. The tension in Blaine's shoulders and his sniffling speak for itself. Still, he feels the need to reach out to his fellow fallen comrade.

Look at him using 'Army speak'. Well he was in there for 3 months right? Might as well quote as much of the positive as he can.

He reaches into his bag searching for his IPOD thinking he'll share it with Blaine and play one of his happier playlists so that maybe they can muster up some smiles before alighting. That's when he finds them- 5 boxes of Sour Patch Kids and a bag full of just red ones tied to them.

_ Rachel. _

Kurt had mentioned in passing that Rachel couldn't stop buying them because she missed him. At the time he didn't know what 'them' was referring to nor did he want to find out. Then again his focus wasn't on his brother but on _her_ so sue him for not paying attention. He gets it now though. Rachel must have bought them everytime missing him got to be too much. These were probably the last few packs she had left. She must have snuck it in his bag before they left for the Piano bar the night before.

The red ones though? They're his _favourite_ and there are SO many of them. She must have bought several boxes in order to fish out all the red ones just for him. He likes them best and she used to smile so wide whenever he let her have most of them.

His girl, ladies and gentlemen, all about the details.

He wants to cry because he's going to miss so many things about her and this time he won't know when he can see her again or revel in her _Rachelness._ He can't though. He made a promise he'd find his way on his own and then go back to her and the first step has got to be no more tears.

He doesn't think he could cry anymore if he tried though.

He can't control the pain so he focuses on what he can control. He reaches forward tapping Blaine on the shoulder, the smaller boy turning his head immediately.

**"Want some dude? Red's my favourite but you're more than welcome to have the red ones too if it makes you feel better."**

It takes Blaine a while to figure out what exactly is going on before he responds with **"No, thanks, I... I shouldn't."**

**"Oh come on dude, its candy. Lord knows we need some good things right?"**

Blaine laughs a little before nodding his head and extending his hand.

**"So what will it be, random or red?"** Finn asks.

**"Could I have some orange ones? I usually eat the orange ones."**

Finn actually laughs at that because he _hates_ the orange ones and so does Rachel and they always get upset when that's all that's left. Then Kurt will come in and squeal because he'd think they left the orange ones on purpose for him because he's literally (or so Finn thought) the _only_ one out of their friends who liked it. They'd make a face and Kurt would just keep popping them in his mouth and…

Kurt.

Blaine looks at him expectantly, waiting patiently to be let in on the joke but how can he say it? How can he look this heartbroken boy in the eyes and go **_'oh yea, nothing, I just thought of my brother/your boyfriend and his weird interest in them'._** Yea, no, he's _not_ going to do that.

**"Finn?"**

**"Nothing dude. It's just; you're more than welcome to all the orange ones. I won't fight you on ANY of them. I swear."**

Blaine smiles an actual smile this time and reaches forward to take a few, quickly popping them in his mouth.

**"So what's new with Glee Club? Any interesting newbies and such?"** Finn asks. He's trying to make as much conversation as the boy can muster because they've still got a quite a bit more travel time to kill and he's tired of the heartbreaking silence that Blaine and he have been locked in. Small talk isn't gonna suddenly wipe the pain away but at least it'll give them something to do.

He knows Blaine _won't_ talk about Kurt, the same way he's sure Blaine knows he won't talk about Rachel. They're alike in that sense. They don't like talking about the things that hurt them. Even when they do, they've hardly spoken to each other about it. It was always Kurt and Rachel. Now they're heading back to Lima without their soulmates and best friends and they're reeling. So no, he's not going to be asking Blaine about Kurt anytime soon.

He doesn't want to feel like he has to pick sides yet either. He rather just wait for Kurt to talk to him.

Blaine starts talking about Glee Club and Finn allows himself to be swept up in the conversation trying his hardest not to think about the last couple of days.

* * *

He's lying on the floor in Kurt's room thinking about promises kept and broken. He can't quite make it to his own room and bed yet because even though the sheets are different and her smell isn't etched into every corner anymore, their memories are and he's not quite ready to be hit by all of them. So he settles for the floor in Kurt's room because the memories made in here don't hurt half as much.

He thinks about how he's promised to figure his future out and how he intends to keep that promise. Not just to her but to _himself_. He thinks about promising to come back to her or telling her he was ready for her to come find him.

He knows he'll be keeping that one.

He already promised her once that he'd keep loving her for the rest of his life and that's one promise he knows he can _never_ break.

There is _no end_ to his love for her and he's hoping that despite them tempting fate again, the same holds true for her.

There is one thing he knows for sure though. He can survive without her. He's done it before. He can. He just doesn't _want_ to. Surviving isn't really living is it? Like that song he sang in Glee Club way back when, he wants to _live _not merely survive.

So he's gonna start living. He's gonna take as many chances on himself as he can. For him. For her. For them.

* * *

A few weeks later, he has a semi-plan. Or a plan while he plans if you will. She hasn't called and neither has he.

Some days he feels like the emptiness inside him is all _consuming_. He feels like he's drowning. Other days, he keeps his eyes on the prize. Keeps his focus. Works out his options.

It hurts but it's _not the end_.

Not really.

* * *

_Nobody said it was easy_

_It's such a shame for us to part_

_Nobody said it was easy_

_No one ever said it would be this hard_

_Oh, take me back to the start_


End file.
